crazy times we live in

A friend just sent an article saying Los Angeles was going to stay at home until August.

I can’t help but feel emotional at a time like this.  I know everyone is going through tough stuff so I don’t want this to come across as whining or a pity party or anything, it’s just the facts.

I bought tickets so we could go home to visit my parents (SFO) and see my nephew (LAX) for his 4th birthday this year in July.  I told myself that if they were still sheltering in place we would just wait till November to see my parents since one of my best friends from high school is getting married and we also have plane tickets purchased for that trip as well.

I don’t think anyone would consider me a ‘homebody’ by any means.  I haven’t lived in the same city as my parents since I turned 18 and moved out of the house to go to college a few months later.  I have visited home or during a transition for a max of 2-3 weeks at a time.  However, the longest I have ever gone without seeing my parents was the 8 months during my dietetic internship when I moved out to Virginia and did the accelerated internship at Virginia State University.

The internship lasted 7.5 months and I drove east and since my plan was to return to California right when I finished to get a job and work I stayed and explored Washington DC with a family that I went to church with when I was in college during Christmas break.  We didn’t really get any other breaks long enough for me to fly across the county so I returned home after it was over.  I ended up just visiting home for 2 weeks to see my family and friends since I had gotten a job at one of the hospitals I interned at in Petersburg, Virginia.

I had a new plan.  I would stay and get some experience as a clinical dietitian and then get a job and move home.

I planned it all out.  I worked while working on my master’s degree and got experience.  I also taught Pilates and group exercise classes at the local YMCA and saved money by living with a family.

My plan again was to quit my job on my birthday and move back home.  I moved all my things across the county and was home again for just a few weeks before I moved again… and again.

The last time I moved was January 2011 when I drove back across the country to Tennessee and I still had plans to move back home.

The common thread in all of this is I always had intended to move back home.  I still wish I was closer to my parents although I do enjoy the lack of traffic here and having a yard my kids can play in.

We generally visit home once a quarter (every 3-4 months) so my kids can see my parents/other family and friends back home and I can see them too.

We last went to visit in January and figured it would be okay to go in July for my nephew’s birthday (5.5 months) since we were going twice at the end of the year for the wedding (November) and Christmas so we would still make it out 4 times this year.

So, if they are still staying at home/sheltering in place through July we will stay here and the next time we will get out there would be November (hopefully by then they will be working on opening up in phases!).

I suppose I am mostly concerned with all of this and feel emotional about it because my dad is close to 90 and mom is older and has a compromised immune system as well.  I don’t want to be the reason they end up getting a virus that could potentially be fatal.

FaceTime just isn’t the same.  My parents aren’t great at holding the iPad so that we can even see their faces and it usually ends up being forehead time or top of your head time.

I am praying.  I know that God is in control through all of this and pray that He will give us all peace knowing our plans have been foiled this year.  Everyone has lost something during this pandemic.  Whether it was plans, dreams, travels, parties, graduations, celebrations or anything social – we all have lost something.  I was disappointed we couldn’t go to London in April when we have been planning on going and have had tickets for almost a year.  (Still waiting to see if we can access the money/credit we are supposed to have from those tickets.)

Life is different.  God is bigger than Coronavirus.  God can do all things.  I keep reminding myself of my life verse – Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21.  That is my life verse because I know that He is good and even though all my plans have fallen through regarding moving home for over a decade and even though we didn’t get to go on multiple trips the last few months or do most of the things we had planned on doing, God is still good and He will work all things for His purpose.

almost 4

Tonight is the last night we will have a 3 year old. I try to spend as much time as I can with the girls before they grow up and don’t want to hang out with me anymore but time still keeps slipping away too quickly.

I remember this day 4 years ago wondering how I was going to make it 2 more weeks, thinking crazy thoughts like maybe if I pricked my ballooned, taunt skin maybe I could release some of the edema and ease some of the constant pain I was in. I knew something was wrong but the urine test wouldn’t come back until the next morning showing that my kidneys had already stopped working. I kept telling myself as long as our baby girl was healthy nothing else mattered. If I died, I’d get to go be with Jesus and God would take care of my family.

As you know, God intervened and I was induced the next day. I had another perfect little gift from God entrusted to me. (I am still amazed they just let you leave the hospital with a baby and just expect you will be able to figure out how to raise it – I still feel like I’m making this up as I go.)

I was scared not only for my health but, wondering if it was possible to love more than one child as much as I loved your older sister, but love is amazing and it felt like my heart grew.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Sweet dreams my precious little girls. Mommy loves you.

Jill’s Legendary Ice Cream recipe

perfect fresh South Carolina peach

This recipe is nothing like the original recipe that I tried to use for ice cream back when I first started making ice cream in an old school ice cream maker with rock salt over 20 years ago.  It took me a few years and countless batches to perfect.  Most ice cream recipes call for half of the dairy to be half & half and half heavy cream. Since I’m a nerdy dietitian I decided I would try to make a healthier version of ice cream that was still delicious.  (Note – I said ‘healthier’ not ‘healthy,’ there is still a lot of sugar in it.  If you plan on adding things like fruit, cookies or candy bits in it after churning it, you can decrease the sugar a little bit, but otherwise it does not taste as great without this amount of sugar.)

I make a custard ice cream.  It has a lot less fat than most ice cream recipes since half of the dairy is 2% milk and still churns thick if you cook it enough (if it’s too runny, try cooking it longer next time – also make sure that the container is as cold as it can be that it is being churned in – more rock salt and ice if you’re using that kind or if it’s one that has coolant in it like I have now – turn down the freezer temperature or leave it in longer if it wasn’t in at least 48 hours).  I added the eggs to thicken it so you don’t have to add as much fat (make sure you stir in eggs and incorporate fully before turning up the temperature too much or they will cook and not blend in).  This base can be used to make any kind of ice cream.  I generally add about 3 cut up (a little too) ripe bananas for banana, a pound of quartered strawberries for strawberry or 3-4 pureed peaches for peach ice cream (I puree them with the peel for color and the notion of fiber), etc.  If I am just making vanilla, I add a teaspoon or two of vanilla when beginning to churn it.

Jill’s [Legen-dairy] Ice Cream

Ingredients

-2 cups half and half
-2 cups heavy cream
-4 cups 2% milk
-1 cup sugar
-2 eggs
-1 tsp salt
-1 tablespoons vanilla

Directions

1. Put all ingredients into a pot and turn on low.  Stir regularly (at least every 5-10 min) and slowly turn up the heat as you go until the entire mixture reaches at least 165 degrees (due to eggs).
2. Turn off and let cool, pour into a container and place into fridge.
3. The next day you can pour it into a ice cream maker, turn it on for about 30 minutes or until the ice cream is stiff and enjoy.

 

Additional tips:

For ice cream with cookies or candy added – add crumbled cookies or candy bits at the end of churning so they don’t get blended and you can still taste them

For fruit flavored ice cream, add fruit in the beginning because you want it to be fully incorporated throughout.

I use a whisk to stir which helps to incorporate the eggs into the mixture, especially in the beginning.

If you are a big ice cream fan like myself I double the recipe and keep the base in mason jars in the fridge in case I get a hankering for ice cream or find a delicious fruit stand with fresh peaches in the summer… 🙂

Let me know if you have any questions!

Happy ice cream making friends!

fresh strawberry

homemade ice cream sandwich

churning

saved for later

homemade brownie waffle with ice cream

stolen Halloween candy…

 

social distancing.

I have worked 100% from home for the last 4.5 years and worked at least partially from home (1-3 days a week) for 4.5 years before that.  So when everyone was saying they were going to be switching to working from home and social distancing I didn’t really think much of it.

I figured it would be pretty much the same as now but less trips to the grocery store and not being able to go to the gym.  I thought the hardest part would be not going to the gym.

I love my family, I love hanging out with them and we do a lot of hanging out but I realized it’s a big deal to be able to go places with them too.  We used to go to the park a couple times a week and that has stopped.  It is really difficult when other families are playing at the park and I try to explain to my children that it’s not safe to play at the park because the virus going around is passed through air and can stay on surfaces.

We ride our bikes a lot.  I walk a lot.  I still do all my cardio and exercise at home that I normally do but it’s different.  I have to practice any BJJ with a giant teddy bear.  There is no competition or resistance.  He just flops over the way I want him to perfectly.

I watch a lot of instructional videos.  It’s just harder than I thought.

I didn’t realize how much I need to talk to others face to face even if we are just rolling around on the ground together laughing or talking or learning something new.

I think it’s really all about balance.  I love, love my kids and my family and my dog but being able to go roll to start my day and learn something new.

It’s really difficult to feel like something has not been lost.  I suppose it’s okay to grieve without actually crying about it.  I was on track to get my black belt in Krav Maga in December and was hoping to get my 4th stripe this month and perhaps my blue belt in BJJ in June or some time this year if I kept working hard and training.

I guess technically it could still happen if everything opens up sooner rather than later if everyone follows the social distancing protocol and stop the spread.  Only God knows.

We used to have people over pretty much every week, sometimes more than one night a week.  We went on play dates with friends, went to the local parks and played or had friends come play.  We went grocery shopping every week and had so much fun just rolling around and bumping on bumps, etc.

Praying that people will find a cure or vaccine or something to help stop the spread and contain this virus so that we can get back to normal life, but hopefully we can maintain some of the joys we have found from hanging out more at home with our families and playing in the backyard or something like that.

hello 5

I kissed my first 4 year old good night for the last time.  Tomorrow she will be 5.  Mixed emotions of joy and sadness brimmed in the form of tears as I blinked them away.

I mourn for the loss of my baby, my toddler, my first born learning new things for the first time and teaching her colors while she rode in a ‘pouch’ (baby carrier) on my back as we walked the neighborhood with our dog Blitz.  For her baby laugh that was so contagious.  The amazing memory she has with the ability to memorize entire books, states, numbers, songs, etc.

I feel like I’m bursting with joy with the still vivid memories of all of the experiences we have shared – from flying across the country to visit family dozens of times to road trips, excursions to places near by like the park or far like another state or to the beach.

I still don’t think I really understood what love fully meant until I held her in my arms for the first time.  You hear love all the time growing up.  I love pizza.  I love dogs.  I love home.  I love ice cream.

I sat there on the bed with this tiny human in my arms.  Things didn’t pan out exactly the way I had planned.  I was induced instead of being able to wait for a natural birth and after almost 21 hours got an epidural which ran out earlier – just before it was time to push.  Before I knew it, the doctor was working on the 7 stitches I needed.  Normally I would have cried out in pain or winced but I didn’t want to disturb her.  Her little face looked back at mine.  She was pink and a little squishy with her eyes wide open.

I don’t know if it would have really mattered what she looked like.  She was mine.  My tiny baby to love, protect and teach.

I fail.  It’s often.  I sin.  I am thankful that Jesus died for my sins because parenting makes my failures even more apparent.  It’s amazing to hear a tiny repeat back things you’ve said – the same words or the same tone, etc.  Fortunately it’s usually funny and not too cringe worthy.

In just a few short months she will be going off to school as a kindergartner.  She’ll join others in school and have more friends.  It makes me sad that one day I won’t be her favorite person.  I try not to think about things like that, but it’s true.  There are so many hopes and dreams I have for her.  Things I have thought of since before she was born.

I even kept my wedding dress in the closet… for just in case if one of my girls wants to wear it many moons from now.

I started out strong with their baby books and I should be almost done with hers since she’s 5 but I can’t remember the last time I wrote in one of them.  I used to keep track of monthly things about the girls but that’s gone by the wayside.

She loves to read books likes Nibbles the Book Monster, Curious George, Disney Princesses or the Bible, watch movies or shows like Veggie Tales or Curious George.  She loves to play with sister, she’s so gentle and loving it’s hard to watch when sister hits or pushes her away (we’re still working on not hitting with sister).  She always wants to learn new things and expand her already extensive vocabulary.  She loves to dance and wants to learn everything and practice and run.

There are so many thoughts and things running through my mind.  I pray that God will help me to be a good example of a Godly woman who loves Him and loves you.  I pray that you will love God and love His people.  I pray you’ll have good character, morals and values.  I pray you will have your sister to play with, teach and hang out with; that you’ll be the best of friends forever.

But mostly, it’s how much I love you and you’ll always be my baby.  Happy 5^th birthday.  I promise to do my best.  Keep being super.

Mommy loves you SO much.

Give John Ambrose McClaren a chance!

I watched the movie ‘To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before’ and I really liked it.  I liked it so much I decided I wanted to read the books because I was curious about the story.

When I looked at reviews on Amazon it said that the first movie was pretty true to the first book so I just bought the 2nd and 3rd books and read them both within about a day and a half (it’s hard to read when you work full time and have 2 kids since it’s hard to find time).

Honestly, I still don’t understand why she would pick Peter over John Ambrose McClaren.  I know she’s in high school and they are closer in proximity and he’s hot, but dang.  He’s handsome, sweet, kind, smart and has liked her since the 8th grade.

There were some pieces missing when I was reading the 2nd and 3rd books without having read the first and I thought surely there were some things I must have missed.  Peter must have done some amazing things in the first book that I didn’t read about since the first 2/3 of the 2nd one he was still really good friends with Gen and hanging out with her about as much as he was hanging out with his girlfriend after school and even missed a lacrosse game for her.  Even if someone is going through a hard time, regardless – wouldn’t it be awkward to miss a super important game for a sport you’re trying to get a scholarship for for your ex-girlfriend?  He could have gone to talk to her right after the game…?  Lara Jean said it right when he dropped everything for her, because he did.  She was not number one ever in their whole fake or real relationship – yet she seemed to be okay with that because he was hot?!

I decided I had to read the first book so I got that on the Kindle (I was really just trying not to spend more money and I didn’t have enough digital credits to buy all of them) and read it in one night.  I am still shocked that she didn’t pick John.  He was amazing.  I would have picked him in a heart beat.  Who cares about Peter and her sister liking Peter?  He was nice to her family but kept doing things that he tried to hide from her because he knew they weren’t right.

Seriously?  She broke up – or tried to break up the fake relationship twice and then she broke up with him again and STILL got back together with him??  He said he didn’t even remember why she broke up with him that day of the game… how could he not remember??  He didn’t even TELL her that she was right about Gen taking the video and posting it.  Also, like others have said, posting something like that would have major repercussions now a days.  Online bullying and posting stuff like that to slander others in schools is a major offense and often kids are getting suspended or kicked out of school for stuff like that and Gen never got in trouble at all for it.  I’m sure they could have found out who did that stuff and she probably had it on her phone still.  Also, the simple fact that he said he didn’t know if he would have kissed Gen that night if she hadn’t come down would have ended it right there.

I re-read the 2nd and 3rd after reading the first and honestly, I still would have picked John.  There was nothing Peter did in the first or 2nd one that I thought made him a better choice than John.  He made her feel like an idiot for getting excited that John said his biggest regret of 8th grade was not asking her to formal.  He did so many things that were just sad and like a puppy dog going back to Gen over and over and over.  Seeing them that night at the nursing home would have put a nail in the coffin for me.  He knew the game was important to her and just because he couldn’t hang out with her he was hanging out with Gen and being her ally when he could have tagged her out so many times because they obviously were hanging out the whole time at home, school and anywhere else.

He was pathetic, just like John said… yet somehow she still picked him!?  What in the world!!!?

Honestly, I didn’t really think he was good enough for her until after prom when he did the Sixteen Candles surprise party for her birthday and took her dad out to dinner for his bachelor party.  That was super sweet.  I never would have let him get that far though I guess since I would have picked John way before.

I can say that I was really frustrated she was so wimpy and HAD John’s number the WHOLE time since she got it from Peter’s phone and never once texted him or called him.  If she had texted him after the Model UN thing or before or any time before the ski trip she could have been with John and never had to worry about Josh or Peter because John Ambrose McClaren was amazing and perfect for her.  Maybe he was too perfect.

I’m honestly really disappointed she isn’t planning on writing more books. In my head she goes to UNC and she and Peter end up breaking up their freshman year because they were mostly together for the proximity and because he was good looking but she would lose interest over time and he would too.

Then John Ambrose McClaren would transfer to UNC for their sophomore year and they’d happen to run into each other and become friends.  They would start dating in their junior year though since John is so thoughtful and doesn’t want to push her into anything when she’s still trying to get over Peter.  But he would become her best friend and eventually after college they’d get married and he would be her first – real love (from the letters his letter was the only one that was actually passionate and very heart felt – the one she wrote to Peter was just a here is why I don’t like you and why I did like you but I am over it now letter), his first kiss and since they talked about it in the book, her first time having sex, marriage, etc.

I will hand it to Peter though, I am impressed he is still with her after 2 years by the end of the 3rd book and not brought up sex himself and said no and left when she said she was ready because he didn’t feel right about it.  That was pretty stand up for any guy, especially an 18 year old boy.

Maybe I’ll just pretend in my head that is what happens.  She and John end up together after college and live in Chapel Hill together or move back to Charlottesville together.  Who knows, but that’s the way it should be.  They should have gotten together after the USO dance.  She was so excited and thrilled about it she said she didn’t even think about Peter… and then she just goes right back to him… because he got jealous and decided he wanted her back when he realized John still liked her and was interested??  I would have at least baked John a cake for helping her get away from Peter and Gen that night and the rest would have been history.

Whew, I had to get that all off my chest.  It’s rough when none of your friends have read the book so you can’t talk about it.  I know we don’t get the whole entire story from the book, like the day to day things that Peter did… but man, those moments or times she got to spend with John were amazing.  I still don’t know how she picked Peter over him when it was clear or unequivocally clear as he said that he liked her.  He was finally so honest and kind.  He even gave her space when she broke up with Peter and didn’t pry even though I know he was dying to know what happened between them after he dropped her off.  SO CONSIDERATE!!!!  AHHHHH.  No wonder all the girls at his school were lining up at his locker… yet she didn’t pick him.  So sad.

There could be a whole series of books on college and their time after (I realize I said this before, but man, I feel like Jenny Han needs to make it happen for my heart.  I don’t know how people can be on Team Peter after the first or second book.  I could only just get there after the 3rd.  When she broke up with him after the bachelor/bachelorette parties when she was drunk I was annoyed at her because she just wasted her time and she could have been writing letters to John and going out with him since he had his license by the time Kitty sent the letters).  I just don’t see her and Peter staying together through college and getting married.  3.5 hours long distance is a really long time and both of them seem like people who need the other to be there close by.  I’m not sure who would do the breaking up, but I was thinking it would be mutual after they’ve tried to do the long distance thing because they both love where they are and know that it isn’t going to work between them.  She’s sad but has a great summer at home with Margot and Kitty and goes back to UNC and runs into John.  They’ve both grow so much and all of them have learned so much about themselves.  I could see them all getting together with their tree house gang.  Maybe Peter and Gen even get back together and she and Gen finally make up after all the years of hating one another.  Maybe Gen mellows out and is less ‘scary’ and mean to everyone because she finally grows up and realizes it’s not her fault her dad is an adulterous cheater and that it doesn’t matter what people think of her.

as a 2 year old sees it.

We went to the burial yesterday where they did the 21 gun salute for veterans who pass.

My 2 year asked who was in the casket.  I am pretty sure she already knew since we had just seen it last night.  “Who’s in there?” her little voice whispered.  I told her it was Pa’s body and his spirit/soul had already gone to heaven.

The guns were loud and my girls covered their ears.

After the 3 volleys of 7 guns it was over.  The bugle played taps and more tears welled up in my eyes.

The men folded the flag and presented it to grandma.  I cried some more.

Six men in uniform marched over to roll out the casket and my 2 year looked angry with her little eye brows furrowed as she demanded ‘where are they taking Pa!’

She knew Pa was in there since she had seen him the night before and she did not want them to take him away.

I cried some more.

I said they were taking his body to bury it but he was in heaven so it was okay.  She still looked very concerned as they continued out the door.  My 4 year old said ‘I know mama, they are going to bury his body but he’s in heaven already.’  She didn’t want to look a second time when they re-opened the casket after the service.  The first time she looked she gingerly peered over the edge and quickly looked away.  I know she knew he was already gone and I don’t think she wanted to see him laying there lifeless like that.

My 2 year old wanted to see him.  She said ‘closer’ since we were toward the head of the casket and could only see the top of his head.  I moved her closer and she said in a loud whisper, almost yelling ‘CLOSER!’ almost pushing her aunt and cousins out of the way.

She got quiet when she saw him and whispered to me ‘Pa fell asleep again’ and turned to lay her head on my chest like she was going to go to sleep too.  She’s seen him sleeping in his chair, on our couch, on her aunt’s couch, all over the place and it wasn’t uncommon for him to sleep.  She knew she should be quiet so she didn’t wake him up, but this time it made me cry some more.

After the burial we talked a little bit.  She (my 2yo) grabbed my face, looked into my eyes and very matter of factly she (2yo) announced to me, “mama, Pa died.”

Since that moment she hasn’t asked if Pa is coming or where he is.  I am again overwhelmed by feelings of sadness for her, that she understands her Pa is gone but also impressed that she could understand something like that at 2yo.

I wish I could shield them from the hurt and pain of loss and death but at the same time I know that the more it hurts, the more you loved that person.  I pray and hope that God will help preserve those memories in their little minds so they can remember all the fun times.

 

the ones left behind

My eyes were raw, eye lids puffy and red.  It looked like I was having hives from one of my wonderful allergies but that could be remedied by Benadryl and a night of sleep.  That would have been better.

I cried for nearly two days straight.  My husband was like ‘gosh, if you’re this bad with my dad, what are you going to be like when your dad goes?’  In a word, worse.

I know I get attached to people.  I love people too much and it hurts so bad when they hurt or something happens to them.  When something like this happens I cry because it’s sad when someone dies because we don’t get to spend time with them anymore, but I’m happy they are in heaven of course.  

I was thinking about why I was crying and it was for a multitude of reasons.  Primarily selfish since I’m a selfish and sinful human.

I cried for my mother in law because she lost her husband of 43 years.  

I cried for my husband and sister in law who lost their father.

I cried for my brother in law who, like me, also lost his father in law.

I cried for all of the grandchildren who lost their Pa and like my 4 year old said – “he won’t get to see us grow up!”  That kills me every time I think about her little voice crying out and sobbing, heart broken her Pa was gone. 

I cried for all of the friends and people who’s lives he had touched. 

I cried for so many reasons even though I know with 100% certainty he is enjoying himself in heaven with Jesus and will be there when we get there.  The crying is all for the people left behind, not for him since he is in a better place.

The service was tonight.  I wasn’t sure who would come, if it would be family and close friends and church family.  There were neighbors and friends on top of church family and family.  I knew we lived in the best neighborhood but I didn’t realize they would all come out and show their love and support for us in that way too.

I know we have friends but I didn’t really expect so many to show up on a warm (almost summery) evening to celebrate Pa’s life.

So many people were affected by his testimony and life.  One of the pastors who spoke challenged us all to step up and fill his shoes.  That is so difficult in so many ways.  He was one of a kind and he had big shoes to fill in all sense of the words.

He loved God.  He spoke his mind.  He was hilarious, sometimes without even trying.  He loved his family.  He would tell others about Jesus and his story and knew exactly where he was going to end up when he died.  

I hope I can be a little like him even if I will never fill those big shoes that left a mark on so many hearts.  

Tears are still welling up in my eyes.  Tomorrow will not be easy.  The burial is happening in the morning.  The day after won’t be either. 

One day at a time. 

when heaven comes knocking

How do you explain death to a 2 & 4 year old?

I pondered this tonight as I cried, well, I sobbed.  My body shook, racked with sobs.  Ugly crying.  Any time I opened my mouth to talk, tears poured out and my voice quivered.  I couldn’t hide it from the girls.  They knew something was wrong.

I had to tell them.  So I told them that Pa went to heaven.

My 4 year old started crying.  I said, “it’s okay baby, we’ll see him again in heaven” as tears fell from my eyes.  She started sobbing harder and I could barely make out what she said “but not until we die!”

Comprehension from a 4 year old on death?  I was impressed and heart broken for her at the same time.  My 2 year old said ‘when’s Pa coming back?  Did he go to the hospital?’  (Originally we didn’t realize he had already died and thought he was going to need to go to the hospital but that was not necessary.)  I felt like her tiny heart was protected because she didn’t understand.  I suppose it’s a good thing, because she loves so much and so hard.  She loved Pa and would ask where he was, want him to get her out of the truck and to go visit Grandma and Pa whenever she could.  She looked at my 4 year old and asked why she was crying and why mommy was crying.  I didn’t and still don’t really know what to say.  How do you explain death to a 2 & 4 year old?

They asked read the Bible so we each picked out a story.  We read about Jesus calming the storm and the two miracles that Jesus performed – healing the woman who touched his cloak and bringing the little girl back to life.  I picked the story about heaven and we read about how there is no more crying or disease or suffering in heaven.  It doesn’t make it any less sad and I told them it was okay to feel sad but the most important thing is that Pa believed in Jesus and that he went to heaven to be with God and Jesus.  It’s okay to be sad that he is not longer with us but we can also feel happy at the same time that he’s in heaven.  We never expected it to happen so suddenly like this but here we are.

I told the girls they still had mommy and daddy and grandma and they would need to help grandma.  My 4 year old began to cry again as she sobbed “yeah because Pa went to heaven and Pa was Grandma’s husband, now Grandma is alone.”  I told her she still had us and her little heart was still sad.

After everyone calmed down a little I went to finish cleaning up some things and called my parents and sister to let them know.

When I was done I saw little feet slowly appear in the doorway.  The girls were sneaking into the office again.  When I said ‘babies, it’s time for bed’ my 4 year old cried out ‘He won’t even get to see us grow up!’ and began to bawl again thinking about Pa not getting to see her and her sister grow bigger and bigger.  I couldn’t help but cry with her.  I guess I’m not great at comforting people when I’m sad myself.  I tried my best and finally got them back into bed.

My heart aches because she knows and comprehends what happened so much more than I thought she would.  I was always a little jealous to be honest that other people had grandparents and I didn’t.  All of ours passed away before we were born.  All of the fun times and laughs and hugs and kisses from loving grandparents were missed.  But at the same time I realized I never had to deal with a loss like this this young.  I just lived knowing I never knew them but you can’t really mourn or fully mourn what you never had if you don’t know what it was like.

God I pray for my girls and our whole family, for my mother-in-law and my husband and his sister and her boys, for everyone who was touched by Pa’s life.  So many people Lord are hurting and I pray for peace and I pray that even though we will never understand that you will comfort us.  In Jesus’ name I pray.

 

you’ve got that feeling.

So, this is probably a post for my fellow moms who have tried to breastfeed, did or are currently nursing/breastfeeding their kid(s).

I have seen jokes in movies or shows about how your nipples don’t hurt when you breastfeed and I’m here to call that junk out.

I have breastfed or nursed a baby/toddler straight since 2014.  Those suckers still hurt (pun intended).

It doesn’t matter how long it’s been between sessions, if someone were to grab, bite, pull, twist or do something to my nipples, they hurt.

The other day I went to take a shower and just getting in the shower hurt.  Tender, skin, those things are sensitive!

Maybe it’s just me?  Maybe I haven’t done it right?  I only nursed my first born for almost 4 years and my second is about to hit the 2.5 year mark with no breaks between them and tandem nursed for nearly 2 years.

Both of mine were exclusively breastfed and I had a ripped nipple around 3 months into it and wanted to cry every time I had to keep feeding off that side.  It still hurts, it’s not like they get all calloused up like when you lift weights, run or do bars in gymnastics or something.

I feel like I can’t be the only one.  I bet the people who write those jokes in the movies/on television were men or people who did NOT breastfeed because I don’t have any friends who are like “flick my nipple, it doesn’t hurt!”

No one does that.  Because it hurts.

That is all.