I kissed my first 4 year old good night for the last time. Tomorrow she will be 5. Mixed emotions of joy and sadness brimmed in the form of tears as I blinked them away.
I mourn for the loss of my baby, my toddler, my first born learning new things for the first time and teaching her colors while she rode in a ‘pouch’ (baby carrier) on my back as we walked the neighborhood with our dog Blitz. For her baby laugh that was so contagious. The amazing memory she has with the ability to memorize entire books, states, numbers, songs, etc.
I feel like I’m bursting with joy with the still vivid memories of all of the experiences we have shared – from flying across the country to visit family dozens of times to road trips, excursions to places near by like the park or far like another state or to the beach.
I still don’t think I really understood what love fully meant until I held her in my arms for the first time. You hear love all the time growing up. I love pizza. I love dogs. I love home. I love ice cream.
I sat there on the bed with this tiny human in my arms. Things didn’t pan out exactly the way I had planned. I was induced instead of being able to wait for a natural birth and after almost 21 hours got an epidural which ran out earlier – just before it was time to push. Before I knew it, the doctor was working on the 7 stitches I needed. Normally I would have cried out in pain or winced but I didn’t want to disturb her. Her little face looked back at mine. She was pink and a little squishy with her eyes wide open.
I don’t know if it would have really mattered what she looked like. She was mine. My tiny baby to love, protect and teach.
I fail. It’s often. I sin. I am thankful that Jesus died for my sins because parenting makes my failures even more apparent. It’s amazing to hear a tiny repeat back things you’ve said – the same words or the same tone, etc. Fortunately it’s usually funny and not too cringe worthy.
In just a few short months she will be going off to school as a kindergartner. She’ll join others in school and have more friends. It makes me sad that one day I won’t be her favorite person. I try not to think about things like that, but it’s true. There are so many hopes and dreams I have for her. Things I have thought of since before she was born.
I even kept my wedding dress in the closet… for just in case if one of my girls wants to wear it many moons from now.
I started out strong with their baby books and I should be almost done with hers since she’s 5 but I can’t remember the last time I wrote in one of them. I used to keep track of monthly things about the girls but that’s gone by the wayside.
She loves to read books likes Nibbles the Book Monster, Curious George, Disney Princesses or the Bible, watch movies or shows like Veggie Tales or Curious George. She loves to play with sister, she’s so gentle and loving it’s hard to watch when sister hits or pushes her away (we’re still working on not hitting with sister). She always wants to learn new things and expand her already extensive vocabulary. She loves to dance and wants to learn everything and practice and run.
There are so many thoughts and things running through my mind. I pray that God will help me to be a good example of a Godly woman who loves Him and loves you. I pray that you will love God and love His people. I pray you’ll have good character, morals and values. I pray you will have your sister to play with, teach and hang out with; that you’ll be the best of friends forever.
But mostly, it’s how much I love you and you’ll always be my baby. Happy 5th birthday. I promise to do my best. Keep being super.
Mommy loves you SO much.
run mommy 